My north, south, east, west
by magic-munchies
Summary: Mac's thoughts after Stella's death SMacked sort of


A/N One shot…About my other story- actually can't find where I saved it but I will try and upload in the near future :D Back to this story- I was meant to be watching Saw 3 but got grossed out so hid behind the sofa with my laptop and music and wrote this. Poem is funeral blues by W.H Auden.

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,  
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,  
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum  
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead  
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,  
Put crêpe bows round the white necks of the public  
doves,  
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,  
My working week and my Sunday rest,  
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;  
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;  
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;  
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.  
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

Thirty-Seven years. A life cut short after only thirty seven years of living in it. Stella Bonasera had planned to live to the grand old age of 100 and to die of old age not dying by being hit by a taxi. Mac Taylor knew this and it broke his heart for the second time in less than a decade.

"Mac, you're my best friend in the whole wide world and always will be. I love you and have loved you since I met you over 13 years ago. My heart is and always has been-yours." and with that Stella Audrey Bonasera passed from this world. She died holding her best friends hand. Mac remembered going out to the waiting room, where her friends were waiting for news of their friend and colleague - Don Flack, Danny Messer, Lindsay Munroe, Peyton Driscoll, Sid Hammerback and Sheldon Hawkes, upon seeing Mac enter and stood up expecting something. But nothing came from Mac; he just walked right passed not saying a word, not giving eye contact. But that in it's self was enough. Lindsay burst into tears and begun sobbing into a shocked Danny who put an arm around her. Peyton just sat back down and felt warm, salty tears run down her cheeks. Hawkes, Flack and Sid just proceeded out of the hospital in a state of shock.

Mac went back to his apartment and collapsed on the bed. Unable to contain himself any longer he started sobbing, like he had never cried before. He cried for Claire, he cried for Stella and couldn't stop. He had never known Stella had these feelings for him, he just thought they ended at being best friends. Never love. If he had known this maybe his life would be very different, maybe he wouldn't currently be going out with Peyton, maybe he would be mourning the death of his girlfriend or even wife rather than just friend. He thought about work, It would be very different without Stella, her laughing, getting angry, determination, her low cut tops and he had lost the very person he always could rely on talking to, she would always listen. They had been through so much together and were so tight it they were like a married couple, there had been times when really if this was a movie they would have gone home to their apartment and in the words of Bridget Jones 'Shag all night long.' But it was always on a professional level. Never more.

She was his support tower, without her being there behind him, making sure he was coping in the hardest time of his life-when Claire died. Stella cared for him, made sure he slept, ate, made him stay in her apartment to make sure he didn't do anything rash and was his 'mother' almost. Out of the current team Stella was the only one who actually knew Claire from knowing Mac nearly 13 years. They had been best friends for years. Know wonder why Mac thought. They were very different, Stella was hot-tempered, impatient and showed her emotions whereas Mac was the complete opposite quite, subtle and good at hiding his feelings but yet there friendship was really 'tight' and it lasted.

Mac wondered what was going to happen with his relationship with Peyton, would it fail? Or would it become stronger? Only time would tell.

As he lay on his bed staring at the white ceiling remembering all his favourite memories with Stella. Halloween last year- Danny had come as a knight, Lindsay a witch, Flack as Buzz Light-year, Sid as a mad scientist, Hawkes as a devil, Peyton an angel, Mac himself had dressed up as Stella because "she was a very scary person but none matched up to Stella who arrived as a Greek Goddess. She had oiled down her skin and was wearing a white toga. Mac remembered her coming in and Flack actually started bowing down to her. Stella had just nodded acted regal. Mac smiled to himself when he remembered her face when she saw him in a low-cut green top and black slacks and boots.

"Mac Taylor, the transvestite, Who'd have thought?" She said walking past rolling her eyes and laughing. Stella's laugh-That brought on another wave of tears. That brought memoires of all the times they had laughed together, cried, fought.

In a way Mac felt bad, he hadn't felt this upset, he was devastated- it was probably because Stella had made sure that he was never lonely, or unloved. Peyton didn't relaise that as solitary as Mac was he liked to have someone with him, it was not her fault, like she was too know that.

Mac thought about his time with Stell, they both decided on a song that was 'theirs' in the form of 'Lean on Me'. It seemed to fit the Stella-Mac relationship perfectly, They had been having a scary movie night with the team and Lindsay was singing 'Lean on me' and it stuck in Stella's head, They had watched Saw, Freddy vs Jason, Hill's have eyes, Texas Chainsaw Massarce and were onto the Deerhunter- Upon watching this Stella jumped behind the sofa crying 'You will not make me watch this, this scared the shit right out of me when I saw this! I will now sing" and she begun singing

"Sometimes in our lives we all have pain  
We all have sorrow  
But if we are wise  
We know that there's always tomorrow" She warbled

"Lean on me, when you're not strong  
And I'll be your friend  
I'll help you carry on  
For it won't be long  
'Til I'm gonna need  
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride  
If I have things you need to borrow  
For no one can fill those of your needs  
That you don't let show

Lean on me, when you're not strong  
And I'll be your friend  
I'll help you carry on  
For it won't be long  
'Til I'm gonna need  
Somebody to lean on

If there is a load you have to bear  
That you can't carry  
I'm right up the road  
I'll share your load  
If you just call me……."

At that time Don Flack just yelled "SHUT THE FUCKING HELL up" and pulled Stella up onto the sofa where she just spent the whole thing hiding in Mac shoulder. It had been a great night, Danny was creeped out when Lindsay pretty much quoted the whole of Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Mac laughed then he remembered what Stella had got him for his birthday, It was a scrap book, Filled with pictures of his life, Mac flicked through it, He saw the childhood pictures, wedding pictures, newspaper articles, Christmas with Stella, New Years picture of a very drunk Lindsay kissing Danny, Stella's 35th princess birthday party, Going to Lord of the Rings Return of the king at midnight, A very tired looking Stella standing next to an excited Hawkes before buying the new Harry Potter book, Rocky Horror picture night and the bunch of friends at work and play.

It was Mac's most prized possession, it had some pictures that really if got into the wrong hands would be embarrassing to explain. It was silly, happy, funny and yet very sad at the same time, Stella luckily had left some pages at the back for future activities and Mac knew he was to fill them.

Mac just lay on the bed and stared at the ceiling and let sleep wash over him not knowing what tomorrow would bring but knowing he would live life to the fullest as that is what Stella would want him to do.

**A/N Crap eh!? Reviews appreciated- The scary movie night was kind of based on something recently- Deerhunter scares me to death! Actually most of those memory thingy's were based on real life things, Only I had 'How to save a life' plonked in my brain….**


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